My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
