Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
