new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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