those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
