In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The air taste purple.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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