Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
