I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
