Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
This is my gift to your gina
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
