well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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