You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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