I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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