We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
