Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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