you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
