She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
