I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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