Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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