When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You did what with his pubic hair?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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