"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
