My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
