I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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