The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
