i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
