how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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