i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
