Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We are two peas in an std pod
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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