So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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