Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
