All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We are two peas in an std pod
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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