My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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