I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
