Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
