I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
