I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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