I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
