theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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