just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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