Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
