I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
