My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
