His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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