So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
