I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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