So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
