you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
