Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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