i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
