so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
