I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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