she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
